My Addiction

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Hello everyone. My name is Valerie, and I have a problem.

I don’t even know how it started. One day I was fine, and the next day I wasn’t. I thought what I was doing was normal, and it isn’t. I shouldn’t be this dependent on something, right? I shouldn’t spend hours of my day waiting for that next hit, anticipating the feeling of the next buzz just to hit rock bottom right after, then wanting more.

I don’t even know why I do it. I guess… I just do. Maybe… I think it’s the feeling I get when I do it. It’s feeling okay, feeling like I belong, like I’m a part of something. I know there are people out there doing the exact same thing I’m doing, so it must be okay. It’s a normal thing to do this. It has to be. Right?

I haven’t thought of my addiction as a problem. It’s always been just fun. You know, spend a couple hours doing it, then move on with my day. But lately, it’s been a real problem. Instead of just spending an hour or two, I’ve been spending five maybe six hours doing it. I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities, saying no to family and friend outings, isolating myself in order to fuel my addiction. 

And you know what? I need to stop.

I need to stop investing myself on these things, stop isolating myself, I need to stop watching TV shows

Maybe not necessarily watching them, but just stop devoting my heart to them. I always do this to myself! I always start watching a show thinking it’ll be something to pass time, and I always end up getting attached. I get attached to the characters, the plot, the setting, everything. And usually, I would say that’s fine. I watch a few comedy shows, get a little attached and laugh with the characters. It’s the drama that always gets me! I always get caught in the drama, the heartbreaks, the love, the loss, the rollercoaster of emotions the show always puts me through. 

It starts with me watching a TV show, for example, a show on Netflix. At first, its just an episode or two every few days. Then it becomes an episode a day, maybe two. Eventually I watch a whole season in a span of two days. And it sucks! The reason they usually only have shows once a week is so you can recover from each episode, but when you binge on everything all at once, you don’t have time to recover. It’s as if you can’t breathe!

I invest my heart into certain shows. I feel for the characters. I fall in love with these characters, and when anything bad happens to them, I feel it, and it hits me right here *points to my heart*. All these different shows, these different relationships and troubles that I have to go through without really having to go through has taken a toll on my heart. My heart grows weaker with every episode I watch, and I don’t think my heart can handle becoming any weaker.

Hello everyone. My name is Valerie and I am addicted to TV shows. 

 

*Dear readers,

Please do not take this post too seriously. This was in no way meant to diminish the seriousness of real addictions. This was just to (in a slightly comedic way hopefully) vent my frustrations with certain TV shows I am currently watching and binging on.

Sorry if I offended anyone in calling my relationship with TV shows an addiction.*

What I Want

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You want to know what I want?

I want someone to talk to. That’s all. Nothing to crazy. I want someone that I can text all day not be worried I’m bothering them. I want someone I will never have a boring conversation with. I want someone I can say, “Man, have we had some adventures, huh?” to. I want someone I can call at 1 o’clock in the morning because I woke up crying. I want to be able to walk up to someone and tell them I’m going through some things, that I’m having some problems that I need their help on. I want to be able to walk up to someone and not have to be the perfect, well put together person that almost everyone thinks I am. I want to have someone who I’m not afraid to be broken around. 

I want someone who will be around to fix me. Because you know what? I’m broken and I don’t think I can fix myself anymore.

Some Things I Am Scared Of

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I am scared of heights. Every time I look down from the second floor or higher of any building, my heart starts racing and I get scared. I wouldn’t call it an irrational fear. People die from falling from such great heights. One time, my family and I went to a mountain and we had to cross a bridge that connected two mountains to get to the other mountains. That was terrifying. It was a rope bridge with wooden planks and as we walked across it the wind would cause it to sway a little. God that was terrifying, but also exhilarating. 

I am scared of snakes, spiders, and other creepy crawlies. I don’t know why I’m scared of them, I just am. Snakes slither all creepily, spiders are weirdly hairy, and all the other creepy crawlies just give me the heeby jeebies. When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher had a snake in the class. It wasn’t that scary because it was in its glass cage, but sometimes my teacher would take it out. I didn’t freak out, but I was always scared me when it was out of its cage. Yuck.

I am scared of people touching my hands. I have Palmer Hyperhidrosis. It’s a fancy way of saying that my palms sweat excessively. It’s caused by my overactive sympathetic nervous system. I always get scared that if people touch my hands they’ll get grossed out and just never want to get near me ever again. I always get scared to high five people, even give people a hug because they might feel my sweaty hands on their back. I really wish that one day my hands will stop sweating so that I can finally high five people without feeling paranoid, be comfortable holding peoples hands, and be able to rub someone’s back to comfort them. Until then, I’m just scared that people will touch my sweaty hands and be disgusted by me.

I am scared of the dark. Isn’t everyone scared of the unknown? That’s what the dark is to me, the unknown. There could be any monster hiding in the dark and I’m not ready to face my monsters just yet.

I am scared of getting close to people. What it the point of getting close to people when people always leave, right? It just leads to pain and hurt.

 

A Late Night Story/Confession

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This is a random rant/confession of mine. It isn’t well written or planned. The people I mentioned in this are not bad people and I don’t think I portrayed them fairly. Despite what I describe here, we also had great times together, times I never regret spending with them. They are good people. We just grew apart. I still love them dearly with all of my heart.

I had these two friends that I met in college. They were amazing people and they became my best friends in college. During move in weekend, we and a few other new friends had a sleep over and we all stayed up late watching movies and talking and learning about each other. It was a wonderful start to a great friendship, and from then on the three of us were inseparable.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.

After we came back from winter break, things were different. I’m not sure how or why. They just were. I’m pretty sure it was me.  The day before before I moved back onto campus, I found out that a family member had died. I arrived on campus wanting an escape. I was in denial and all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and forget the world. However, the life had other plans. The night I moved back, my two friends decided to have some edibles. It wouldn’t have been so bad had they not eaten so much. One of them had a small panic attack and felt that she couldn’t breathe. She collapsed onto her now boyfriend’s arms gasping, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. After she calmed down, I left her with her boyfriend like she asked me to and walked away, but not after making sure she was feeling better. As a walked back to the room with a friend, I couldn’t help but cry. I thought she was going to die and I broke down. Tear’s poured down my face like waterfalls, and between sobs I cried out “I can’t handle anyone else dying right now.” The next day, we had a retreat for our club and they all acted almost like nothing happened. They lightly joked about it and it upset me a bit. I had worried and cried so much the night before and here they were joking about last night’s events.

I think that was the beginning of my down ward spiral.

The next weekends I found out that another family member died and that a very close family friend was recently diagnosed with cancer. After that, I slowly became distant. I slowly started to craw into a shell, into depression. They were a bit worried about me, but not enough to ask me about it. While they were out, going to the mall, having dinners, and hanging out, I was in my room just trying to not to cry myself to sleep. Instead of seeing me visiting them almost every second of every day, they were lucky to see me at all.

I knew I was getting bad, and eventually I asked for help. It was the day of the Color Craze on campus, an everyone was getting their white shirts on for the event, and I was in my room alone. I called my two best friends and told them to meet me in my room. When they came up, I told them about the recent deaths in my family and started tearing up and eventually started bawling my eyes out. They then reached out to grab me and pulled me into a comforting hug, and while engulfed in their hugs I felt at peace, like everything was going to be alright. Then we heard music from outside and they both let go, saying that the event was starting and that they should go, that we would talk more later. I said okay, and gave them a pitiful smile. A part of me was happy that I had told them the heavy burden that had been weighing my heart down, but a part of me was also devastated that they decided to put me on hold to attend an event.

It wasn’t until a few days later that we three got together and had a heart to heart. I openly and willingly opened up to them. I told them all my fears, doubts, and my deepest, darkest secrets. I had told them that I was depressed and that I knew I needed help. I told them that I almost started cutting and was starting to have suicidal thoughts. Here I was telling these girls, who were strangers a few measly months ago, things I would never tell anyone. I must have been crazy. But they were very supportive, and comforted me, and it made me feel better.

Then I found out that someone else had died and I went back into my shell and refused to leave.

And nothing happened.

Nobody came to check up on me.

Nobody asked where I was, or when they did they only asked once.

I felt like nobody cared. I felt worthless. I had poured my heart out to these two people, people who I thought were my best friends and cared about me, told them my deepest darkest fears and they didn’t even come to check on me. Instead, they played a mean prank on me, and it hurt. I had told them I was depressed and had suicidal thoughts, and they acted like they didn’t care. They left me behind. As if I was brick tied to them that kept them from floating, they just cut me off.

That was when I really spiraled out of control. I had become antisocial, depressed, and cynical. I had become detached to the people around me. All I could ever think about was giving up. Every time I saw an open window in a building, all I could think about was, “I wonder if I could die from jumping out of that window?” Every time I went to the beach, all I thought was, “I bet if I swam into the water and stayed underwater, no one would miss me.”

I think I would have done those things too, if it hadn’t been for a friend who stepped up and showed that she cared. She saw that I had somehow changed and she took it upon herself to find out why and tried to fix me, and I’d like to say she did. I am a lot better now than before, and it’s all because of her. She has never left my side, always caring about me. But she isn’t the only one. I found and became closer to two other friends during my low times. They never gave up on me, never, which I am incredibly thankful for. I know can be hard to handle at times, but for some reason they never left me behind. They were always willing to slow down their steps so I could catch up to them. They saved my life.

Things aren’t as bad now for me. Some days are worse than others. Night’s can still get bad, but I know I’ll pull through. I now have three people that I know will always pull me out of the quicksand called depression and save me.

I don’t talk to my two best friends that I was talking about earlier that much anymore. I see them during club meetings, but that’s it. It’s usually a simple “Hello” and “Goodbye” now. We make polite conversation when we are around each other, but that’s about it. I don’t think they ever forgave me for crawling into my shell, and in a way I don’t blame them. I had gone into depression during my freshman year in college, the year that is supposed to be fun and amazing. You aren’t supposed to worry about people you barely met being depressed during your freshman year. You’re supposed to go out and drink, have fun, make mistakes. Me being depressed had tied them down when they didn’t want to be. And I guess, I get it. I understand that they had their own lives to live and didn’t have time to help me with mine. But then again, I don’t think I ever forgave them for not being there for me when I needed them most. I think that is why our friendship fell apart.

Life is hard and shit happens. We all just have to be strong enough to pull through somehow, and having the right friends by our side will make things a lot easier.

Me Procrastinating

I have a 1000 word essay due on Thursday. And I haven’t started. Yup. It’s what a true college student does, procrastinate. Instead of doing my paper or going to sleep, I am writing this blog post. What a smart choice. See, the thing is, I don’t want to write the paper. I know it’s not much, but I just don’t want to write it. It’s supposed to be about a conflict I have had in my life and how I resolved it. But I don’t really want to talk about it, or write about it. It’s just not something I want to do right now. Instead, for the past 3 hours I have been watching One Tree Hill on Netflix. That show is wonderful and amazing, and what makes that show so amazing is that there isn’t just one or two main characters, there are so many and we as the viewers all learn and grow with the characters. I’m currently halfway through the third season right now, and a lot is happening. I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone, so I won’t say much. What I will say is that the show is making me think very hard about my life. I wonder about my parents, what they think of me. I wonder about my sister, whether or not she is happy. I wonder about my friends, if they are moving on without me. I wonder about my life and if I’m really doing what makes me happy. I don’t know. I watch this show and think to myself, what am I missing out on? All I do is go to campus for class, go to my office hours, club meetings, and then go home and do homework. I barely hang out with friends, and I barely go out. I mean, what is the point of life if all I’m doing is work work work. I need some fun in my life. All work and no play sucks, right?

3 Cliche Things On My Bucket List

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1. Travel The World

I want to visit every continent in the world, but with Antarctica as merely an option and not a must go. I don’t have anything against Antarctica. In fact I think it’d be beautiful to go there and look up at the stars, or simply look out into the horizon and just see the unadulterated snow. But I am scared of having to face snow storms out there alone.

Other wise I’d love to travel the continents and visit as many countries as possible. I want to experience the different cultures in the world and see what the world has to offer.

2. I Want to Fall In Love

Yep. I said it. I want to fall in love. I always tell myself that love sucks and it just almost always leads to someone getting hurt, but I want to experience that. I want to fall in love, find that person that makes me feel like I’m a better person, someone that completes me, and then experience the devastation when he breaks my heart. I’m not a masochist, but I’ve never fallen in love nor have a I ever had a broken heart, and I think that feeling love and heartbroken is part of life. I don’t want to miss out on any part of life, the good and the bad.

3. I Want to Be Happy

I think this is probably on everyone’s bucket list. Who doesn’t want to be happy right?

25 Wise, Inspiring Steve Job Quotes That’ll Make You Want To Change The World

I have never reblogged anything on here, but I thought this was worth reblogging.
Think like Steve Jobs.

Thought Catalog

This weekend marks the release of Ashton Kelso Kutcher playing the role of inventor, entrepreneur, former CEO of Apple Steve Jobs in the film obviously titled, Jobs. While it’s often said that Jobs wasn’t the nicest of guys, he played a significant role in some giant steps for technology, and also said some pretty wise words from time to time. So, here they are, 25 Steve Jobs quotes:
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
I think if you do something and it turns out pretty good, then you should go do something else wonderful, not dwell on it for too long. Just figure out what’s next.
When you’re a carpenter making a beautiful chest of drawers, you’re…

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Curly or Straight?

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I have very straight hair. When I younger, it had a single wave somewhere, but now it is all straight. My hair and I have a very easy going relationship. I love my hair. It’s easy to handle. It doesn’t get into crazy knots, and when it does I can easily untangle them. Sometimes, I don’t even have to comb my hair because it just handles itself.

The only thing is it’s boring. It’s tame, not exciting, and calm. It is nothing like me, and I don’t want that.

I’ve always wanted curly hair though. To me, it’s so different and exciting! You just have these wild locks of hair going everywhere! It’s a lot more fun than straight hair. It’s definitely not tame, which means it will be hard to handle, but I think it’d be worth it! You’ve got to struggle and fight for something you love right?

I just think that curly hair just suits my personality more than straight hair. Maybe I just need a change in my life.

I’m thinking of getting a perm to get curly hair. I’m going to do it.

Was It Too Much to Ask For?

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All I wanted was a day to hang out with my parents. Is that too much to ask for? I mean, school is going to start soon and I’m going to be just as busy as I was last year, maybe even more. I may be living at home this school year, but that doesn’t mean that I will be able to see and hang out with my parents as much as I did when I was in high school. I barely hang out with them now, and it’s summer time.

All I wanted to do was hang out with my parents today. Today is the only day in the week when none of us have obligations, they don’t work and I don’t have volunteer duty. I specifically chose not to go volunteer today so I could be with my parents.

I just wanted to be with my parents today. We could have done anything together and I would have been happy. We could have gone to the park and just sat and talked, we could have gone to the mall and aimless walked around judging people (I know that sounds bad but its one of the few things my dad and I could do together). We could have done anything as long as we were together.

Instead, my dad decided to take us to go get his car washed.  My mom and I awkwardly sat inside the car while the cleaning crew wiped down the car and cleaning the inside with my dad’s help. Then he took his car to the auto shop for a smog check. He didn’t even talk to us while we were there; he talked to the mechanic the whole time while once again my mom and I sat awkwardly inside the car waiting for him. (Yes my mom and I had many moments where we were awkwardly sitting inside the car together today.)

When we finally headed to the mall, I was too upset to even get excited. Instead I just listened to my iPod on the way feeling glum after the day’s uneventful events. It wasn’t like I had anything to be excited about really. Usually, my dad loved going to the mall together because he got to show off his skills in picking things out for me, but once we got to the mall my dad just went off on his own adventure. Once again, I was left with my mom alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my mom. She’s amazing and I love her. Since I was born, it has always been my mom and I against the world. My dad wasn’t in the picture much when I was young, but it was for a good reason and I don”t necessarily hate him for it. I love my parents, which is why I wanted to hang out with BOTH of them today and it really upset me that that didn’t happen. 

I hope this doesn’t make me sound like an ungrateful daughter, but was it too much to ask for some quality time with both my parents today?

I Forgot How to Write

I’ve been “blogging” for a few weeks or so now, and I must say this is a lot harder than I thought. Notice that I quoted blogging, because what I really don’t consider what I have done so far blogging. It’s just mostly me posting my thoughts once in a blue moon. If that’s blogging, cool, I guess I am blogging. But I consider blogging posting entries more than once in a blue moon, like maybe weekly or so? Honestly, I don’t know what blogging really means.

At first it was sort of easy to post things on here. I managed to post almost once a day for a few days, but then I kind of got writer’s block. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s so soon!” I’m not a writer remember? Or well, I’ve never taken proper writing classes, besides the ones I took while I was in high school. For some reason, at first I could simply sit down and write whatever was in my head at the moment and post it it within an hour. It wasn’t very hard at first. But lately, I’ve tried siting down and writing whatever it was that I was thinking about but my brain always managed to shut down after I typed a few sentence, and on good days a paragraph. 

I don’t understand how I was able to write before and not now. Maybe I just have nothing more to say? No, I don’t think it could be that. I almost always have something to say or at least thoughts that want to be heard. Maybe I’m just over thinking what to write? Maybe that’s it. I just have to take a step back and just let my thoughts flow. Or maybe I just forgot how to write?